Relationship violence occurs in LGBTQIA2S+ relationships when one person in a relationship chooses to abuse, threaten, stalk, dominate and/or control a current or former intimate partner. These forms of violence cross all social, ethnic, racial and economic lines. An individual’s size, strength, age, sex, gender identity, gender presentation and expression, politics or personality does not determine whether a person could be abused or be an abusive partner.
Click to view an LGBTQ Power and Control Wheel for more information about tactics of abuse.
Click to view Trans-Specific Power and Control Tactics.
Abuse in LGBTQIA2S+ relationships has many parallels to abuse that can occur in any relationship. Common tactics perpetrated by abusive partners include:
- Being overly romantic and attentive at the start of the relationship and/or moving very quickly, only to change after there is an emotional or financial dependence within the relationship
- Jealousy that often includes fabricating narratives to justify the abusive partner’s accusations
- Controlling behaviors (for example, going through a partner’s phone without permission, or telling their partner what to do and who to see)
- Isolating partner socially and/or physically
- Making others responsible for their feelings
- Blaming partner
- Use of force or physical violence
- Sudden mood swings
- Threats and intimidation
- Lack of accountability, for example, promising to change, without stopping abuse or coercive control
- Using others, such as pets, children, or family members, to keep the abused party feeling trapped in the relationship
In addition, there are several unique tactics used against those who identify as LGBTQIA2S+. Some examples include:
- Outing (threatening to reveal or revealing the survivor’s identity to those who don’t know).
- Slut-shaming or judgment around sex, including utilizing myths about promiscuity that are often connected to LGBTQIA2S+ identities.
- Verbal abuse attacking a survivor’s identity or appearance, e.g. “You don’t even look like a real woman” or “no one else will date a queer.”
- Derogatory language such as the refusal of using proper pronouns to devalue the survivor.
- Physical or sexual abuse focused on a person’s gender, sexual identity, or orientation.
- Othering the survivor. This may be seen in relationships where the abuser has a privileged identity, but the survivor does not. One example of a way an abuser may bother their partner is by saying things like, “You don’t get it, I’m the normal one” or “I don’t want people to know I’m dating someone that is queer because I’m not queer.”
MSU Safe Place is a confidential program that offers non-judgmental support. At Safe Place we acknowledge that LGBTQIA2S+ survivors have additional barriers and concerns when accessing services. Trans*, non-binary and gender non-conforming survivors face additional barriers when trying to leave a controlling relationship. Safe Place staff ensures a knowledgeable, welcoming, affirming, and safe space for survivors with LGBTQIA2S+ identities.
Addressing barriers and concerns:
- Anti-discrimination policy and no violence policies
- LGBTQ+ staff available
- Staff attend trainings, workshops, conferences, and community meetings centered in supporting LGBTQIA2S+ survivors
- Volunteers and interns complete Quest training through The Gender and Sexuality Campus Center
- Assistance to survivors in accessing gender affirming needs
- Affirming clothing, make-up, binders, breastforms, tape, hygiene products, packing devices, stand-to-pee devices, wigs, etc.
- Click to view our Gendering Affirming Care Items list
- Referrals to support services
- Recognizing that many LGBTQIA2S+ survivors may not trust reaching out for help from law enforcement, Title IX offices, child welfare, or others
If you are experiencing relationship violence or stalking, MSU Safe Place can help you to figure out what you would like to do. You do not need to face this experience alone.